Fears


We all fear something. I personally fear a lot of things. I fear rejection, I fear disappointment, I fear loneliness, I fear the dark, I fear betrayal, I fear stress, I fear being the third wheel, I fear embarrassment, I fear imperfections, I fear losing my loved ones, I fear that one day everyone that I love will turn against me, I fear that I will take people and things for granted, I fear to lose, I fear being hated, I fear mistakes, I fear love, I fear being unwanted, I fear being the only one, I fear silence, I fear being neglected, I fear having to make a choice, I fear not having enough choices, I fear making the wrong choice, I fear of being an irritant, I fear being too proud, I fear being too weak, I fear being too strong, I fear not being cared for, I fear so much more things.

I am always paranoid by the smallest things. I usually wish that I am the first in everything, and everyone's my friend, everyone's role model, and being perfect.
But no one is perfect. Mistakes were made. Even though I wish to not hurt anyone, I did. It is hard to be flawless, it is hard to improve. I wish to be able to please everyone, but truly, no one is able to please everyone.


I actually tried to fit in, tried to be alone, tried to be someone else, tried to mask my emotions, tried to let it all out, tried to not talk bad about people, tried to be part of something, tried to be myself, . But one day, I found out that I don't have to try and be myself. I am me.


Recently, my mind is usually always empty. But today, I am thinking of many many things. Things that should have been decided, things that should have been discarded, things are are not of my concern, things that are not true. I thought: What if I never become good enough to be a lawyer? What if I become a garbage woman when I grow up? What if I don't find a man whom I love that loves me? What if I suddenly lose all my friend while studying for my future? what if I am go back to square one? Long story short, I felt insecure. Very, very insecure.

Maybe it's just me, or maybe I am really not good enough. Or I am fit to be a friend. don't know. I feel extremely depressed. I don't wish to feel this way too, but I can't seem to find the strength to pull myself up and stand strong. I'm beginning to feel more and more timid and weak. Or am I actually this weak and powerless? I'm just so uncertain about things.


I am afraid.