How do you identify who is important in your life, and who is not?



I am blogging almost daily recently.
I guess this little space of mine will be where I put my emotions at. I don't really hang out often with the friends I am with in school. I don't really talk to them about my private stuffs unless I really cannot bottle them in my heart and have to burst it out to somebody. I would like to share my joys to somebody I trust, love and care. I heard many that have trusted one too much. So much that when they were betrayed, they got so disappointed that they never trust anybody after that.

Well, those are not what I want to be talking about today. Not entirely, anyway. I have been into many times of relationships. Friendships, kinships and boy-girl relationships are the most common ones. I place friendship as my first priority as I feel that they can understand you better. I am actually very blessed during primary school, to find somebody that can tolerate my attitude. I was a very spoilt kid from young as my father's love for me is so great that when he stop loving me, I was heart-broken. I abandoned my bad attitude at approximately a year before but sometimes it comes back and my friends had to suffer. Many were victims and I feel so bad for them. But I am still gonna improve myself, even though I am not spoilt anymore.

So recently, I have been going home right after school and my mother is so glad as she really don't like me coming home late as she really wants to build a relationship with me and my sister, who is out whole day without answering phone calls from a worried mother. But after a long time, my whole family is used to her not coming home before midnight. But well, I like that mom's at home shortly after I reach home after school so I can talk to her about my morning in that tiny classrooms with noisy chatting classmates paying more attention to their friends than to the teacher who is trying to help them get better grades as end-of-year exams is 18 days away. The students that put studies in the first place are grateful for this, but some others felt indifferent. "So what if I fail" would be what that think when teachers lecture them for lack of attention and disrupting the lesson by chatting and laughing loudly with their peers, for they do not care about their results, Well, I am neither a goody-two-shoes nor am I the girl that disrupt lessons. I actually listen to lessons, but still talks whenever I have the chance to. I feel that studying is important as I wish I can earn a lot when I grow up. Don't start telling me money cannot give me happiness because I am not intending to get happiness from money. I wish to earn money so that my parents get to sit back and relax as they have worked extremely hard for my and my sister so that we get to study, buy things that we need or want. Even though I do not like that my father is usually not at home, but I still have to thank him for providing me with money. I wish I can be 100% more attentive in classes, but I just can't get my mind off of somethings that can probably wait. You see, I am somebody that gets paranoid very easily, and think a lot when I am quiet and I am a pessimist. Yes, it is very embarrassing to admit I am a pessimist. Well I am also a chicken and I back out at times. I don't like to put myself at risk and I don't really dare to try new things unless it is proven that it will not change my life drastically or whatever. Call me a coward, I don't care. I just really don't like changes and it irritates me when I can't get what I want when I want it. I have a ton of things that I do not know, and I can be slow at some things. I get scared easily, and am a very sensitive person. Sensitive in a bad way. But still, I wish to accomplish my dreams and goals. I hope to hang in there, and wish that someone will be there for me to hold on to.


God sent us angels to protect and look over us. They look like ordinary people, and probably think that they are. But in fact, they can be of so much help to us. I really hope I am somebody's angel. I am tired of myself being so insecure and the feeling that no one needs me is so damn sickening.

I feel that almost all my my blog posts are very off topic. :(

I thank Jesus for sacrificing Himself on the cross for me.



I'm feeling emotional. :/

I suddenly feel that trust is so fragile. It breaks so easily but it does not mend back and be the same again as we will always doubt if we should ever rely on that person again. I had experienced being doubtful of others, and being doubted.

I feel that being a human is tough and hence, I feel I should care for everybody. But one can never please everyone. Along the way, we will definitely offend someone, or be offended. Before I believed in God, I was filled with hatred because of many problems in life. I feel that nobody deserve a second chance. But God made me realize that if I were to make mistakes, I would want others to forgive me, and be my friend. After all, we are not perfect and can't be perfect. We will all make mistakes. I can't move forward if I keep hating and be mean. I won't feel happy. I don't want to stay at square one and be left behind with nothing but hatred. So I try my hardest to forgive everyone that I do not like or whatever. I believe everyone will understand and be good at one point of their lives, even though it can be when they are near their last days, or during their teenage years. I want everyone to go to heaven and be with God. I know God forgives everyone that is repentant and wishes to change for the better. I know God is very upset when one does bad. It must have hurt His heart a lot to see His child hurt others. I wish God is proud of me when I do good. And I will try my best not to hurt God by doing evil deeds.


It's the 21st century, and almost everyone has a phone (excluding myself cause I lost mine and I am just too lazy to get one) and computer. It's a shrinking world. We can communicate even if we are at different places, be it far or near. And as technology improves everyday, we will rather use these devices than to study, hence what we learn everyday decreases as our mind is always elsewhere during school hours. Yes, using the computer or cell phone is extremely tempting and I usually hang on to my netbook for hours and will not let go of it unless I need the toilet or it's time to have dinner when I am at home. And my results in school is bad. I only passed 2 subjects during mid-year!
I am quite determined to get a satisfying result for the coming examination, which is also crucial as it is the base of the staircase we will be building during secondary 3 and 4. This staircase will lead us to our future and what we want as our careers when we are older. If the base is not stable, there is a good chance we will fall and have to start building from the top. I personally feel that it is too late for me to only start revising recently as I don't usually pay attention in class and secondary 2 work is not easy. I regret not listening during lessons. I am often tempted to commit to a conversation and knowing myself, I cannot resist temptations well. And right now I have to learn everything myself without teachers' assistance and I have to squeeze a whole year's work into 19 days. I hope that all my fellow friends will be in the same class as me, but then again, I will surely talk during class and will not learn anything. So it is not exactly a good thing that my friends are in the same class as me. :X

I need to complete my damn english summary today and a ton of revision. I guess I'll get to it now and do them all.



Bye everyone, hope you all have a good day today! God bless you all having examinations now or soon! :D

I NEED TO BE MORE EFFICIENT AND WORK HARDER SO THAT I CAN GET PASS MY EXAMS.

Exams will start after approximately 20days and I have yet to revise on tons of subjects. Instead, I am here, in front my my sister's computer, using facebook, and posting on my blog.

I guess right now is not really a time to stop and think of what I should do about many things. And right now I hope no big change will come into my life so I will still study and not think of the problem.

I seriously need to read more books to improve my english. It's getting worse.



I have to revise on:

Math- Chapters 1 to 8
English- Complete Alex Rider
Chemistry- Everything
Physics- Everything
Biology- First few chapters
Geography- Everything
History- Everything
Chinese- Read
Literature- Or else the lightning god

Now we all have to make use of the remaining time to revise, hoping that these will help us get As or at least pass our exam.


I kind of regret not studying during mid-year. The result I got for mid year will pull down my grades for sure. I failed 2 subjects, I have no idea how it will not affect my final result.


Okay gonna go study on maths now. Good luck to everyone having exams now or in the near future! :)

HAI.

Well, has been long since I've last posted.
And I'm finally here to update.


I'm hoping to spend my everyday doing more good instead of just lying on my stomach using my netbook or sitting in front of my sister's desktop using facebook.

Almost everyday I look at my parents and I see that they have grown older and one day I'll just lose them and might never get to see them again.
I don't wish to regret then, for not spending enough time with them. Because frankly, I feel that I am a very bad child.

My mom work everyday till around 5pm, and have to cook for the whole family and clean the house. After a long day at work, she still have another pile of housework to do at home. When I was younger, I often think that it's a mother's job to keep the house clean, cook breakfast, lunch and dinner for the family, buy toothpaste or whatever we run out of, pack our bags, fill up our water bottles with water, wash and fold our laundries, prepare our clothes if we are going overseas or to camp and more. But then there was something that happened in our family that made me realize that if without my mother, I would be useless because I don't even know how to operate the washing machine and cook meals and clean the house. From then on, I started to wash my own dishes, although I might put it there for sometime then wash it up, but I will still try my very best to help keep the house neat so my mother can relax after having to work from morning to evening.


My dad, even though not at home often, has provided us a lot. When I was young, he used to bring me to the arcade and sometimes over to my grandmother's house. Even though I am very depressed for what he had did few years ago, he is still my dad. I don't really care if others think he is wrong to do it and I should not forgive him, I think I can understand why he did it, (not saying it is right to do it) and I don't wish to blame him for anything. I love my dad. When I was young, I am closer to my daddy, because he will always side me when my mother was being 'ridiculous', he knew how I felt and why I feel that way. Everyone make mistakes. I think my dad has the right to be selfish because he have been selfless for the past 10years. When I first find out I was so damn angry, I cursed him so many times. I wish I can take it all back. I kind of feel that I am to be blame for his mistake too. I wish he will not stop loving me because I was angry because I love him. I still do.



I used to bite my sister when I was very very young. My grandma used to pinch me for biting her and leaving marks on my sister's hands. My sister and I were not close when I was in primary school because I feel that even though we are sister we don't necessarily need to be close. Many have told us that we don't look alike. We like to tease each other but we don't usually mean it. I think. :X Recently she told me I have pea-like eyes. I still love her though. Sometimes we do share with each other our secrets. I guess my sister is like an open book. Her emotions are all shown on her face and the way she speak. But she does not like to tell what is bugging her or why she feels this way. She does not like being one's burden.


Overall, I love my family, even though right now I am not close to my dad, but I really hope to be. I wish I will not be a failure and disappoint my family. I hope to return my parents whatever good memories that they gave me when I was young.


Daddy, mommy and sister, you may not see this, but I am going to prove to you all that I am going to work hard and pursue my dream of being a lawyer and treat all of you to lunch when I become a lawyer and will try my best to not let you down.


I wish that God will bless my beloved family with happiness and I wish they will be healthy, lively and happy. I thank God for giving me such a wonderful family, even though we are not very very very rich, at least we have food on the table everyday, and are able to talk, hear, move and feel. I am just so lucky to have them all. Amen.


OMG When did I become so mushy.


Okay I don't know what else to say and I am having mixed feelings and have to go clam myself down now.

BAI ALL!

Fears


We all fear something. I personally fear a lot of things. I fear rejection, I fear disappointment, I fear loneliness, I fear the dark, I fear betrayal, I fear stress, I fear being the third wheel, I fear embarrassment, I fear imperfections, I fear losing my loved ones, I fear that one day everyone that I love will turn against me, I fear that I will take people and things for granted, I fear to lose, I fear being hated, I fear mistakes, I fear love, I fear being unwanted, I fear being the only one, I fear silence, I fear being neglected, I fear having to make a choice, I fear not having enough choices, I fear making the wrong choice, I fear of being an irritant, I fear being too proud, I fear being too weak, I fear being too strong, I fear not being cared for, I fear so much more things.

I am always paranoid by the smallest things. I usually wish that I am the first in everything, and everyone's my friend, everyone's role model, and being perfect.
But no one is perfect. Mistakes were made. Even though I wish to not hurt anyone, I did. It is hard to be flawless, it is hard to improve. I wish to be able to please everyone, but truly, no one is able to please everyone.


I actually tried to fit in, tried to be alone, tried to be someone else, tried to mask my emotions, tried to let it all out, tried to not talk bad about people, tried to be part of something, tried to be myself, . But one day, I found out that I don't have to try and be myself. I am me.


Recently, my mind is usually always empty. But today, I am thinking of many many things. Things that should have been decided, things that should have been discarded, things are are not of my concern, things that are not true. I thought: What if I never become good enough to be a lawyer? What if I become a garbage woman when I grow up? What if I don't find a man whom I love that loves me? What if I suddenly lose all my friend while studying for my future? what if I am go back to square one? Long story short, I felt insecure. Very, very insecure.

Maybe it's just me, or maybe I am really not good enough. Or I am fit to be a friend. don't know. I feel extremely depressed. I don't wish to feel this way too, but I can't seem to find the strength to pull myself up and stand strong. I'm beginning to feel more and more timid and weak. Or am I actually this weak and powerless? I'm just so uncertain about things.


I am afraid.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMA!

I love my mom ttm!
She may have been a bitch at times, but still, she's the best!


She understands me, wants to know about me and how I think and how's school life, good sense of style, childlike, great at cooking, and loads more!
I think no other moms can be as good as my mom.



Today is her birthday (officially), and she ordered a durian cake, as usual.
Gosh, my whole family loves to eat durian except me. -.-
But oh well, I guess it's not that bad. :/

MOMMA I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU!

Gonna go out with Sister and mom to have dinner soon.
It's actually a early birthday celebration for mom, but it seems more like a dinner to me. :/



We're going to this thai restaurant to have some food. :D
I kinda like thai food by the way. :)

I PACKED MY CUPBOARD I PACKED MY CUPBOARD I PACKED MY CUPBOARD I PACKED MY CUPBOARD!

I am proud of myself. :D



FML, Swollen eyes today. :(
I think something got inside and I scratched it too hard. :(
I need a anti puff and anti dark circle eye cream.



If I can redo all these, I will make things right. At least not as fudged up as now.



I need to complete my e learning soon, and start revision for math.
I am becoming more and more competitive, but that's good because EOY examination is coming soon and I so do not want to get F9s. I want everything to be at least B4!



Subjects I need to revise on:
-English. (Read more!)
-Math. (Do more revision!)
-Science. (Chem and Phy only. Good at Bio already.)
-History. (From Chap 1 till the end.)


Thank goodness it's September holidays tomorrow, or not I wouldn't have enough time for sure.

Er, one week holiday used for revision? So not me. But I'm gonna do it anyway. It's for my future. I hope.



This whole week I am prolly only gonna go out once or twice because I wanna study.
And save money.
Because I want to buy a lot of shit. Yeah.



P.S: I love my sister's dress that she's currently wearing now. :D

STUDY!

I should be studying, I know.
But I just can't leave this computer!


I'm using my sister's computer, and her screen is bigger than mine, and it's so awesome.
And it doesn't lag when I watch HD videos on youtube, yippee!




I am gonna ask my sister to be my model when I get a camera! :D


Which I guess should be few hundred days later.
Because she'll be having her O levels and I shouldn't pester her.




Alright, I should start on e learning soon. Though I have no idea what's the link.





I should read more books!

I watched movie yesterday. :)



I think sometimes watching movies are great because they spice up my life and it won't be dull and boring.

My life is just facebook, facebook, and more facebook.

Life is just boring recently, and I kind of like it too.
I mean, wouldn't it suck if they are tons of arguments and tons of shit.
Who cares, I am going to enjoy being bored.


I shouldn't get pissed or upset because of anyone, because then I'll be stepping on the trap they laid. And that would be stupid.


Even when I am sad, I'll pretend to be happy until I am happy.
And that won't affect others to be upset, and I can feel better at the same time.

I should try out photography one day.

I like to try out new things once in a while.
Maybe I should try gardening too!
Alright maybe not. Ants and spiders are disgusting.



Close your eyes, listen to the wind, feel the warmth.



This may seem weird, but I wish I will land in a class with no one that I know of next year.
So that I can start over again, and concentrate more during class, instead of chatting with classmates and friends every lesson.

我喜欢简简单单的生活, 简简单单的, 多好啊...



Alright, I'm going off with my mom now, goodbye!